THE PROGRESS OF DULNESS.

PART I.

OR THE ADVENTURES OF

TOM BRAINLESS.

แ

OUR TOм has grown a sturdy boy;
His progress fills my heart with joy;
A steady soul, that yields to rule,
And quite ingenious too, at school.
Our master says, (I'm sure he's right,)
There's not a lad in town so bright..
He'll cypher bravely, write and read,
And say his catechism and creed,
And scorns to hesitate or falter
In Primer, Spelling-book or Psalter.
Hard work indeed, he does not love it;
His genius is too much above it.
Give him a good substantial teacher,
I'll lay he'd make a special preacher.

I've loved good learning all

my

life;

We'll send the lad to college, wife."

Thus sway'd by fond and sightless passion,

His parents hold a consultation;

If on their couch, or round their fire,

I need not tell, nor you enquire.

The point's agreed; the boy well pleased,
From country cares and labor eased;
No more to rise by break of day
To drive home cows, or deal out hay;
To work no more in snow or hail,
And blow his fingers o'er the flail,
Or mid the toils of harvest sweat
Beneath the summer's sultry heat,
Serene, he bids the farm, good-bye,
And quits the plough without a sigh.
Propitious to their constant friend,
The pow'rs of idleness attend.

So to the priest in form he goes,
Prepared to study and to doze.
The parson, in his youth before,
Had run the same dull progress o'er;

His sole concern to see with care

His church and farm in good repair.

His skill in tongues, that once he knew,
Had bid him long, a last adieu;

Away his Latin rules had fled,

And Greek had vanish'd from his head.

Then view our youth with grammar teazing, Untaught in meaning, sense or reason; Of knowledge e'er he gain his fill, he Must diet long on husks of Lily,* Drudge on for weary months in vain, By mem❜ry's strength, and dint of brain; From thence to murd'ring Virgil's verse, And construing Tully into farce, Or lab'ring with his grave preceptor, In Greek to blunder o'er a chapter. The Latin Testament affords The needed help of ready words; At hand the Dictionary laid, Gives up its page in frequent aid; Hard by, the Lexicon and Grammar,

Those helps of mem'ry when they stammer;

* Lily's was the only Latin Grammar then in use.

The lesson's short; the priest contented;
His task to hear is sooner ended.

He lets him mind his own concerns,

Then tells his parents how he learns.

Two years thus spent in gathering knowledge, The lad sets forth t' unlade at college,

While down his sire and priest attend him,
To introduce and recommend him;
Or if detain'd, a letter's sent
Of much apocryphal content,
To set him forth, how dull soever,
As very learn'd and very clever;
A genius of the first emission,
With burning love for erudition
So studious he'll outwatch the moon
And think the planets set too soon.
He had but little time to fit in;
Examination too must frighten.

Depend upon't he must do well,

He knows much more than he can tell

Admit him, and in little space

He'll beat his rivals in the race;
His father's incomes are but small,
He comes now, if he come at all.

;

So said, so done, at college now
He enters well, no matter how ;
New scenes awhile his fancy please,
But all must yield to love of ease.
In the same round condemn'd each day,
To study, read, recite and pray ;

To make his hours of business double-
He can't endure th' increasing trouble;
And finds at length, as times grow pressing,
All plagues are easier than his lesson.
With sleepy eyes and count'nance heavy,
With much excuse of non paravi,*
Much absence, tardes and egresses,

The college-evil on him seizes.

Then ev'ry book, which ought to please,
Stirs up the seeds of dire disease;
Greek spoils his eyes, the print's so fine,
Grown dim with study, or with wine;
Of Tully's latin much afraid,

Each page, he calls the doctor's aid
;

* Non paravi, I have not prepared for recitation-an excuse commonly given; tardes and egresses, were terms used at college, for coming in late and going out before the conclu sion of service.